If you know me you’ll know that I generally like to keep my feelings to myself, and I always keep up that ‘I’m OK’ front. Even when I’m not, which isn’t necessarily a good thing. After having baby number 2, I struggled. I started experiencing feelings and emotions that I’d never had before, even with baby number 1.
As I look back at the first 3 months, I would 100% say I had postpartum anxiety, maybe not full on depression but I was struggling with my emotions. That alongside being very sleep deprived, and having really sore nipples.
When I got pregnant for the second time, I wasn’t mentally or physically prepared for how different it would be. Which in hindsight I should definitely have expected. My first pregnancy was a breeze, afterwards I always said I would happily be pregnant all the time if it was going to be that easy. Second time round was so much harder for me, I struggled with always being so tired. My daughter dropped early, which meant I spent almost all of the third trimester feeling like her head was crowning.
This gave me the hope that she would be early like her big sister was, so when I went overdue I was so disappointed. I started to get really stressed and anxious as to when she was going to arrive. I had an appointment at the hospital a day after my due date and I basically had to fight to get them to give me a sweep. Literally the midwife was refusing, said it wasn’t protocol! Are you kidding me?! I basically left the hospital in tears.
I have uterine fibroid’s at the top of my uterus as well, so this same annoying midwife flagged me in the system. She was basically refusing to let me have my baby in the birthing suite unless I was signed off by a doctor. Baring in mind I was already a day late, saying I wasn’t happy was an understatement. They had been there through my first pregnancy and had caused no issue, so I didn’t get why she was making them a problem now!
Anyway they gave me an appointment for the next day, as I walked into the room the doctor actually asked me how come I had requested this appointment. You can imagine how I reacted! *rolls eyes* He must be used to dealing with hormonal pregnant women, as he was actually really understanding to my rant! He gave me the OK for the birthing suite, pending results from my blood test and ALSO offered to give me the sweep the midwife from the day before had refused to give me.
My baby girl came that night…
Fast forward a week, yay she was finally here! My labour was not for the feint hearted, but that is a whole new blog post all together. There was so much going on for the first week after my little girl was born, so I didn’t get much time to deal with how I was feeling. I do remember feeling really anxious being around big groups of people, feeling like I wanted to hide myself and her away from everyone.
My first daughter was a really good sleeper and I remember adapting to the night feeds really quickly. Daughter number two was the complete opposite, I really had a hard time adjusting to the constant night feeds. Some nights she would not go to bed until almost midnight and then would wake up hourly for a feed, some nights I would cope and some nights I would just cry. I found it all so hard!
Having a baby can make you feel really lonely, I remember after my first baby everyone was always calling and visiting to check and see how the baby and I were doing. This time round I was really lonely, days would go past where I would hardly talk to anyone. I remember my other half checking up on me on his lunch break one day and I literally broke down. I was so lonely, I actually felt like everyone had forgotten about me. Which I know wasn’t the case; I guess I just needed some extra attention or something. In fact I know what I needed SLEEP!!!
18 months on and things are so much better! I mean I’m only just getting through to the stage of sleeping better, but life is good I’m happy. My girls are perfect and I wouldn’t change them or what it took for us to get here. With all that being said, the past years events have cemented my plan to not have any more children, you can read more about my choice in my family is complete post.
Thanks for reading!